In my research I came across this quote used by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural address, he attributed the words to Marianne Williamson.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It's our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about it. Shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God, that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others."
Playing the victim does not serve me. Realizing that I was the man behind the curtain, pulling the strings and pushing the buttons was just the first step. Looking at my actions and behaviors and walking them back, looking for the reasons I was acting the way I was, was key. For, only through identifying the underlying beliefs, that were making me act that way, was I able to see that it was my thinking, that was responsible for my actions. And it was this thinking that was responsible for the feelings of irritability and discontent I'd been suffering with since I was a child. I thought it was normal to feel this way and obviously thought everyone felt the same.
Alcohol and Drugs made me forget these feelings, But through the years as the feelings of irritability and disconnectedness with my life increased so did my use of Alcohol and Drugs. Slowly over years I fell "beneath the wheel" of addiction. Addictive pleasure causes quilt, which then causes a desire for more addictive pleasure in order to escape the pain of quilt. I came to view the Alcohol and Drugs as the problem and never considered the thinking behind everything.
I bought into the disease theory that Alcoholism is a progressive disease and while that provided relief initially, it also prevented me from confronting my real problem, my thinking. After sitting through thousands of meetings, listening to people struggle with their ongoing issues and personal problems, it started to become evident to me that problems do not go away simply because one halts the addiction. But the focus on character defects and shortcomings kept me from recognizing and working on the dis-empowering beliefs that I had adopted and continued to hold, and re-enforce, even though I had stopped drinking. I bought into the fallacy that good actions will lead to good thinking and that's simply not true. It was my beliefs and the power I gave them that was causing my problems. I could act good for years but if I still felt, deep inside, that I was inherently bad, then I was just whistling in the dark, and would keep bringing into my life, situations were I would feel I was bad.
Acting and doing good, only acted as a displacement mechanism, shifting my attention, it did not reach my deep held beliefs, that I was not only not good enough or smart enough but not deserving enough to be truly happy. As long as I held on to these beliefs, real recovery would be out of reach, and that the best I could hope for, would be a stalemate between me and my Addictions. Doomed to forever be in recovery but never recovered. Lucky for me I had a psychic change sufficient to change these deep seated beliefs and to know what God's will is for us and the power to carry that out.